Encouragement vs. Praise: How Our Words Shape a Child’s Self-Worth
We all know that our words impact our children. If a child constantly hears they’re “dumb” or “clumsy,” they may begin to believe it. Over time, that belief can shape how they see themselves and what they believe they’re capable of achieving.
So yes, avoiding negative language is important. But simply avoiding criticism isn’t enough. We need to be intentional about building our children’s sense of worth—not just based on what they do, but who they are.
Why Praise Isn’t Always the Answer
Praise tells children they’ve done a great job:
“You got an A on your test!”
“Your drawing is amazing!”
That kind of feedback feels good—and it’s not wrong. But it’s performance based. If children only hear positive messages when they succeed, they may start to believe that their worth depends on results.
Over time, this can lead to anxiety, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. Kids might start to feel like they’re part of a “family business,” where their value depends on performance. If the performance slips, so does their sense of belonging.
What Encouragement Does Differently
Unlike praise, encouragement is not based on judgment. It notices effort, intention, or behavior without labeling it good or bad.
Example:
“Suzy, you noticed Johnny needed help with his books and you helped him.”
This comment simply points out what happened. It doesn’t rank or grade Suzy’s actions. Instead, it invites her to notice the impact of her choices and reflect on how they made her feel.
Encouragement helps children:
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Recognize their own efforts
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Develop internal motivation
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Take risks without fearing failure
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Value progress over perfection
When children feel seen for who they are and how they contribute, they grow more confident, persistent, and capable.
Praise vs. Encouragement: A Quick Test
Use this checklist to see if your comments are encouraging:
✅ Does it notice effort rather than results?
✅ Does it avoid judgment or comparison?
✅ Does it help the child reflect or draw their own conclusions?
✅ Does it show appreciation without grading the outcome?
If the answer is “yes,” you’re probably encouraging, not just praising.
Try the Purposeful Parent Challenge
Take five minutes to write down 10–12 ways you can encourage your child this week. Then try using one today. Don’t worry if it feels awkward at first. Like any skill, encouragement takes practice. And like anything worth doing—it’s okay to start messy and improve over time.
Final Thought
It’s okay to praise kids occasionally. But make sure they also hear encouragement—often and sincerely. They need to know they are valuable not because of what they do, but because of who they are.
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